A Daily Struggle

Growing up when people asked me what I wanted to do, I always said I wanted to be a wife and a Mom. That is still true today.


Years ago, I was about 11, I stood up on a stage with an audience of about 3,000 and took a "Zero" pledge. I pledged to be pure in a number of areas. (That is what the ring I wear stands for) I'm staying true to that pledge all these years later.

I have to say it hasn't been easy. The urges to do something that everyone else was or go through with what my flesh wanted to do was hard to overcome. Even something that most people wouldn't think of, being asked if I'm gay - that's hard for a kid to handle. All of this is hard and a struggle for anyone. I wouldn't wish the incredible amount of self-control this requires on anyone - yet at the same time I would. It's been worth it.

The ONLY thing that has gotten me through this is God.

Years ago, I had to come to that place where God was enough for me. Even though I long for some things or relationships that people around me have, above all God is enough for me and He sustains me. There are no better arms to run to that His.

When I was about 14, my youth group in Tulsa had us write down our dreams for our life and "nail" them to a cross. (They had a huge wooden cross on stage) I wrote down my dream to be a Christian Artist. At the end they gave us a button with a cross on it to remind us of this. I took that to heart. (Actually, that is what started my button collecting.) The amazing thing is, when you lay down you goal or dream for your life, it allows God to step in with His plan which is so much better. He's not going to short you of something you love, because He knows the desires of your heart. Since then I did a lot of seeking God and allowing Him to speak to me. (That means being quiet!) He has opened doors of opportunity all around me and I am blown away daily at how far I've come in just a few years. Again, though, He is the one who made it possible - I just let Him have my dream and I picked up His.

So, God revealed different ways to do the things I love and opened the doors necessary to make it a reality. (If you haven't heard what I've been up to the last few years - ask me!) Because He has been SO good to me thus far, I have no doubt that He will complete this work. Obviously, that "little girl" dream of being a wife and a Mom has yet to come true. So, I'm doing the same thing I did long ago - and it's a daily thing - laying down my desires and dreams and picking up His. If I just get out of the way, my All-Powerful God can do some mighty things! I'm trusting in that daily.

You know what is even harder than that? Everyday, for a few years, I've told God, "Even if You don't bless me with a husband or kids(the desire of my heart), I will still love You." Imagine that. The one and only thing you've ever wanted to do, yet you love something else so much that even if you can't have what you want - You'll still love Him. Yes, it's hard - unbelievably hard! But I know where the greatest source of love is. Another great thing is that I know where to go if I'm hurting or lonely or need someone to listen. I know where to find joy when I have none.

I hope that touches God's heart. I hope He sees me striving for Him daily. I hope He knows that I can't wait to one day fully understand just how great His love is.



Try that this week. Whatever your daily struggle is or one thing you can't wait to get, say, "Lord, even if I never have ____________, I will still love You."



Lord, I pray over the person that is reading this now. You know all their hopes and dreams. You know the desires of their heart. God, I pray that you would bless them daily as they seek You. I pray that You would become all they need in their life - that they would learn to turn to You in ALL things. The secret to a good life? It's You. All the joy or happiness can't be found in a dream in our small minds. Your dream is SO much better and was made just for us. You care more about us than we will ever know. Lord, I thank you for loving us so much - in turn, no matter what, we will serve You and we will still love You. Amen.




*If you take this to heart, I encourage you to find something to symbolize this decision. A button, a ring, something that when you look at it you are reminded of the hope and vision you have today. If you can't think of anything, ask me. I believe this is really important, because if you make this decision today and a few months down the road you are in a hard situation or you slowly forget today - this will be a reminder; a symbol to point you to God.