My whole life I've wanted to be a wife & Mom. My whole life. So, all this time I'm waiting, praying, growing until I become that. (And hopefully becoming more prepared in the process!)
I've been known to drive around on random evenings or on the weekends through nice neighborhoods, imagining my life to come...the 2-story house, perfect grass, 2-car garage, kids in the front yard, etc. These have always been happy days for me, just dreaming of the future.
Until recently.
I'd drive by these same houses, think of a guy in my life that I'm praying about, then get really really discouraged. I'd think, man, this guy is awesome, we'd be so happy, he'd be a great leader, he'd love our family; we could really build a life in a house like this...then reality would sink in that his choice of career (or an accident, family illness, or whatever) may never allow us to have something like this; or even remotely close.
I know, you're thinking, "How worldly. It's not about a big house!"
I know, you're right. It's not. It never really has been - it's just subconsciously been a part of "the dream" for so long, it's hard to change it now.
I think it comes down to I want a quality life. A life that matters; where the house is large enough, the kids have enough room; there's just more space and less chance of hard times & heart aches.
So, for a couple weeks now I'd drive by houses thinking, "Nope, that house is too nice, that one too...and yep, even that one."
How pitiful.
I'm seriously not that superficial that I'm looking for a guy who can provide a huge house or living a certain way. Honestly, I could care less. Like I said, it's just the dream I've had playing in my head for so long. Who knows? God could bless me with that someday after all.
But that's not the point. The point is that I actually cried about this whole, dumb, house thing this weekend!
Yeah, I cried.
I finally yelled out in the car, "WHY IS THIS SO IMPORTANT??"
(Good thing I was alone in the car.)
Maybe you just have to be a girl? Maybe you have to have the same "dream" as me to understand?
I don't know if this makes sense but God changed my heart when it comes to this now. Somehow I was able to let it go, give it to God, and forget about it. The desire is no longer there. Strange, right?
In the end I know that He will provide for me no matter what. No matter what, He needs to be enough.
So, that's what I'm working on. Focusing more & more on Him everyday & realizing He's enough. More than enough, actually.
